Chapter 15 Self torture

Lin Li felt that ever since the sports meet at Xiao Bin's school last Friday, her interaction with the child seemed to have improved greatly compared to before. Although the child still didn't like to talk much, still didn't like to laugh, and was acting adult-like which was not in line with his age, but the subtle changes also made Lin Li feel that the child was no longer as repulsive to her as before.

A small detail was that when she subconsciously reached out to touch his head, he no longer hid away. Although he was still reluctant to communicate with her when she spoke to him, he would nod or shake his head and look at her very seriously. After so many times, Lin Li could also understand a few simple meanings from his eyes.

Anyway, all this is a good start for Lin Li. Since she has made up her mind to run this marriage similar to a job, a good working environment is of course one of the important factors for how long this job can last.

----- please read the translation from https://irisatdusk.blogspot.com/

However, what makes Lin Li feel more and more unwell is her stomach. It seems that what she said is really true. Maybe she really ate too much in the past. The digestion system was too strong. As long as there is a lot of food, she could eat them. 

And having such a good appetite is like having a good luck. It will not follow you for a long time. When you have used up all your good luck, then the bad luck will come. And now for Lin Li, that bad luck is her bad appetite. 

Maybe she really has anorexia and has no appetite for food at all. Sometimes, even if she is very hungry, she is not willing to eat. Even if she eats, she will vomit it out not long after eating, just like now...

Lin Li squatted on the ground, vomiting and feeling a little weak, her chest heaving, and she was even panting slightly. This afternoon, she picked up Xiao Bin from school and made an appointment with An Ran right away. Because An Ran was her best friend, she felt it was necessary to tell her about the current situation.

Sometimes fate like to tease people like this, it makes people keep guessing and feeling tortured. A few months ago, she could not accept and could not understand An Ran's flash marriage. In her mind and understanding, marriage is sacred. Only two people who love each other can make a lifelong commitment to each other with the blessings of everyone! Then the union of two people who don't love each other is not a marriage at all.

But now, she really understood An Ran's feelings and helplessness at the time. An Ran once said to her, 'If I can't marry the person I want to marry, whoever I marry doesn't matter.' 

Yes, just like her now, since she will no longer love, marriage has no meaning to her. It is just a relationship of mutual cooperation. So, what difference does it make whether to marry or not, and who she marry!

Besides, it is rare to find someone who is "like-minded" with you. Such a cooperative relationship is too happy. She really has nothing to complain about.

She was sure that she was not as lucky as An Ran to have met Su Yicheng, but she was also happy for An Ran to find her own happiness after experiencing Mo Fei.

----- please read the translation from https://irisatdusk.blogspot.com/

Lin Li squatted on the ground for a long time, leaning on the cold wall behind her to get up, but her feet were a little numb because she had been squatting on the ground for a long time. When she finally stood up, her feet softened, and she was about to fall. Suddenly, a strong force reached out from behind her and held her arms to lift her up. Then Lin Li felt warmth on her back, and her whole body was leaning against a warm embrace.

Slowly looking up, she saw Zhou Han looking at her with a slightly furrowed brow. In addition to his usual cold eyes, there seemed to be a hint of reproach in his eyes.

"Tha.. thank you." Lin Li slowly thanked him and stretched out her hand to push him away, unable to guess what his eyes were trying to convey.

Zhou Han did not even let go. He looked at her coldly and said in a voice that was ten degrees colder than his eyes: "Do you think you can still walk?" After saying that, he didn't wait for her to answer, and directly held her by the waist and lifted her up horizontally.

Lin Li felt a little dizzy, and she was even more dizzy because she had just vomited. She subconsciously hugged his neck, but in view of the numbness in her feet, Lin Li did not try to push him away and said she wanted to walk by herself, because she really had no strength.

When Zhou Han carried her out of the bathroom, little friend Zhou Jiabin who was standing at the door, stared at Lin Li with his big black eyes. Lin Li understood a little, and remembered that she had been doing homework with the little guy in the living room, but suddenly her stomach churned, and she suddenly left and ran to the bathroom. It was probably because the child was worried that something might have happenned to her, so he went into the study and called Zhou Han over.

Thinking about it, Lin Li suddenly felt a little satisfied, and felt an indescribable relief in her heart. She smiled at the corner of her mouth, looked at him and comforted him, saying, "I'm fine."

The little guy didn't say anything, and gave way to Zhou Han, but his eyes were still fixed on following her every move.

----- please read the translation from https://irisatdusk.blogspot.com/

Zhou Han carried her to her room, carefully put her on the bed while looking at her steadily, and asked, "Do you want some water?"

Lin Li nodded. After vomiting just now, her mouth was indeed a bit uncomfortable.

Zhou Han only glanced at her, and then turned around and left without saying anything more.

After a long while, Zhou Han brought in a cup of warm water, and handed it to her without much expression on his face.

Lin Li reached out to take it, and thanked him softly, "Thank you." She took the cup and took a big sip.

Zhou Han looked at her and said expressionlessly, "Tomorrow morning at nine o'clock, the gastroenterology department of the Fifth Municipal Hospital, I have already contacted Dr. Tang, you just need to check in at the front desk."

Lin Li was stunned for a while, then realized what he meant, glanced at him again, and said, "I don't want to go, I don't need it."

"I have already contacted him," Zhou Han said, his tone and expression did not change.

"I said no." Lin Li frowned, insisting in a somewhat angry tone, and put the cup in her hand on the bedside table beside her, slid down the bed and pulled the quilt to cover herself.

"Give me a reason," Zhou Han looked at her angrily, his eyes were too sharp, and other people who saw them would have an inexplicable fear.

Lin Li stared at him with wide eyes and said, "Mr. Zhou, if I'm not wrong, we are just in a cooperative relationship. We signed a cooperation contract before getting the marriage certificate. You have no right to interfere with my freedom. I said I don't want to go, so I don't want to go. There is no reason, and I don't need a reason! I want to sleep." After saying that, she turned around and turned her back to him.

Zhou Han looked at the woman with her back to him, frowning more tightly than before, and said, "Anyway, I can't control your health. You can not go, but please don't fall in the bathroom like this and ask me to carry you out, and don't let people think that I abuse you and don't feed you well. "

"I didn't ask you to carry me out," With her back to him, Lin Li muttered softly, "Not feeding me well, just facing your stern face all day long, is simply a mental abuse! "

Zhou Han ignored her muttering and said without any emotion: "If you want to punish yourself for the mistakes made by others, then you are a little too stupid."

Hearing this, Lin Li was shocked, her hands tightly grasped the sheets under the quilt, and her teeth tightly biting her lips.

Zhou Han stood and looked at her for a long time, without saying anything more. He turned around and prepared to leave. When he put his hand on the door handle, Lin Li's faint voice came from behind him. The light tone made people feel a little distressed.

"I did not..."

Zhou Han paused, turned his head, looking at the person that was curling up in the quilt, he sneered, saying, "You did not? Aren't you repenting for not saving the child that time? Because you think it was your responsibility, you started to punish yourself, and even subconsciously think that your life is an unforgivable mistake, so you start to be harsh on yourself and your stomach. In fact, it's not that you can't eat at all, but you don't want to. You think your healthy and happy life is a sin. Only by tormenting yourself and having tormented yourself like this, you will feel better in your heart, because you are basically atoning for your sin!"

Zhou Han's words were like a sword piercing Lin Li's heart. The pain was like being tortured to death, making it hard for her to breathe. Lin Li hugged herself tightly under the quilt, murmuring non-stop, "I didn't, I didn't..."

Sometimes when the secret in your heart is discovered by someone, and is exposed by someone, the pain of the facts being revealed is always hard to accept. Even if you know that what others say is true, you still have to deny it to the death. It seems that if you don't admit it, you will be safe and it won't hurt. But the wound is there and it is still bleeding, so how can it not hurt?

"You are the only one who knows whether it is true or not. It is your own choice to decide what to do and no one else can interfere. But is it worth it for you to do this? You're doing this will only make those who love you, care about you, feel distressed. Are you worthy of them? You're doing this ---"

"Don't talk anymore!" Lin Li interrupted him, clenching her teeth tightly to prevent herself from crying. She said through her teeth, "I'm tired and I'm going to sleep. Please leave!"

Zhou Han looked at the trembling mound on the bed for a long time, and finally said nothing more, turned around and left the room.

The door was opened and then closed, with folded hands, Lin Li finally cried while still hiding in the quilt. 

The tears that had been suppressed for so long flowed down the corners of her eyes and wet the pillowcase. Perhaps because her heart was in so much pain, Lin Li cried uncontrollably, her whole body was shaking, and the whole room was filled with low sobs. 

At first it was a very low cry and suppressed, then the crying gradually grew louder. Lin Li finally released all the pain that had been suppressed in her heart for a long time at once and cried out bitterly.

Outside the door, Zhou Han stood by the door for a long time before walking towards the study.

----- please read the translation from https://irisatdusk.blogspot.com/